(GIG DIARY) Camp Flog Gnaw: Day 1

Tyler the Creator, rapper, designer, director throws his sixth annual festival in the Los Angeles area at Exposition Park, “Camp Flog Gnaw 2017”.

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I get woken up at 0730 by some frat boys next door in the house/hotel getting up excitedly and talking about their plans. Many dude’s, bra’s and ni**as are tossed around as they yell-debate (or yeall-abate) their itinerary for that day. I eventually sleep another hour and get up and ready.

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Festival opens up at 12 so I leave at 11 o’clock and saunter up as it’s close by where I am staying, in South Central L.A. I get there and the line is moving along swiftly, people are excited, colorfully dressed to the nines. Skinny nerds, jocks, eclectic couples and semi-dressed women amicably wander through, occasionally throwing out high fives.

I get in and head straight for the merch tent but the line is already insane and stretches out at least 100 deep. Its 100 degrees (which I do not know in Celcius but its a lot and felt like a fitting number). Cut to 1 hr 15 mins later, I get my stuff finally and go to see the lay of the land.

There are rides and games all around with Tyler’s GOLF emblem on it, his brand and design empire.

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After mostly failing but yet occasionally winning some carny games, I go check out some bands with official merch in hand.

First band I see is BROCKHAMPTON, a collective much like an early Odd Future, a bunch of misfit kids full of crazy energy and heart.  They blew me away with their 6 member member collective swagger, all in blue face paint, mixing old school hip hop, LGBT issues cult cinema references and skate aesthetics.

They came together on an internet forum and are the worlds first internet based boy band. Here they are passed out on stage as they segway into a ballad by one of the members.

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Next up the beautiful gazelle like alien entity Syd. Original Odd Future wrangler and lead of the seminal band ‘The Internet”. She laid down many of their beats producing and singing, their first collective recording area with Tyler et al. was in her living room. Syd the Kid performs solo for the first time at CFG and absolutely kills it with her presence and smooth flavour. The edible I took a while prior kicks in and I feel contented.

Mac Miller I wasn’t too aware of, but was great nonetheless with his full backing band getting me and the crowd jumping with its border heavy metal intensity. And last but not least. Tyler. He walks out onto a platform that raises. I was finally good to go, up at the front, having been waiting there for three hours. I dove into the swirling groups of people, dangerous at first and raucous and then suddenly controlling the crowd and settling it like playing a stringed instrument. I dared not take out my phone, I didn’t want to cheapen the almost sermon like performance by of my heroes. Overcome with emotion I start to feel my throat drying, I am out of water and have not drank anything that wasn’t alcohol in 3 hours. I feel my throat close and try and grasp for moisture.  It can’t find any and is starting to become an issue. I stumble out and and swim up the sea of people towards a vendor and find a bottle of water. It get that sweet hit of clarity, right as I am about to start choking and boom my ass hits the floor as my legs give way. I had been walking around nonstop all day and finally bottomed out. I recover for a and sit there until “Who Dat Boy?” comes on and supercharges my adrenaline. I dance for a couple more songs, eventually getting back into the fray to party it out till the end of his set.

Boom, I get out, I get an UBER back and as we pass Lana Del Ray is singing me off home from the main stage. The driver takes me to a Carl’s Jr. drive through, I get a lettuce wrapped burger and fries. I get back to the staffless house/hotel I am staying at, take a shower and have my meal.

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The fries are surprisingly good. As I sit down to write this, listening to musicians I had heard that day. I hear the unmistakable sound of gun shots nearby. Two different calibers shooting at each other, then a machine gun rattles in the night authoritatively, making everything go deathly quiet.  I down more life giving cold water and quickly pass out, giving my body some much needed rest.

-End of Day 1-

 

Lost Star Trek: The Next Generation episode where every metaphor is explained by comparing it to Spot’s anus.

Star-Trek-The-Next-Generation-Painting-of-Spot-3An episode has been discovered at Paramount studios, thought to be lost to the ages. Within it Data malfunctions and explains all scientific theories in Layman’s terms by using his pet cat’s anus as an analogy. In one example, when being chased by yet another entity made of energy, Data suggests they must disengage the Dilithium crystals and expel the port nacells straight into the core of the entity. Much like, “when Spot defecates into a bowl of milk, from his anus, like this.” He then squeezes Spot until he poops, making the bowl overflow. If anyone remembers any other lines from the episode please share below.

(Lost Porn Parody Synopsis) Blade Humper: 2069

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Many porn parody synopses have surfaced from legendary producer/writer of 80s pornographic films, Sir Jack Salot. His estate has posthumously discovered an archive of premises which were never produced and thought to have been lost to the ages.

BLADE HUMPER 2069

Early in the 21’st Century, THE VAGINELL CORPORATION advanced sex-robot evolution into the SEXUS phase known as a Replicunt.

In downtown Los Angeles ex-Blade Humper Hank Dickhard is summoned by his former boss Blowyant. After a shot of whiskey and an enthusiastic blowjob Dickhard is convinced to hunt down the rogue Sexus-6 models.

After a thorough banging and interrogation of a snake saleswoman in the merchant district, Dickhard is led to Whora, a Sin-job working in one of the strip clubs downtown.

They make love against a glass window, his eventual ejaculation shooting her through it as they both climax. She is unharmed but left spent.

Meanwhile, Hungter Boner a rugged, blond, Sexus-6 model knocks boots with a sexy elderly Chinese lady who makes balls, wearing a huge heat suit. As a show of gratitude she tells him that he should go see Jennifer Sebangstian if he wishes to meet Vaginell. The Sexus-6 models only have a 4 year libido life span and they seek to prolong their horniness.

A sexy bombshell, Ray Bombshell comes to Frank Dickhard’s appartment and he performs the Hoight-Cumf test on her, a mechanical love device. He verifies that she is indeed one of Vaginell’s Replicunts.

In an abandoned building Hungter, Kiss (a pleasure bot in Kiss makeup) and Jennifer Sebangstian have a threesome while various mechanical toys watch.

Jennifer and Hungter go to see Vaginell who tells them that they made them so the best they could, at doing the nasty. So they do it.

Dickhard finds the abandoned building and Kiss sits on his face and he performs cunnilingus until she has a spasming orgasm.

Hungter finds them together and in a jealous fit chases Dickhard through the building, howling as he runs. They reach the roof, lock eyes and start making out in the rain. Hungter eventually ejaculates onto Dickhard’s face saying “Cum like rain, cum like rain.” This is his last masturbatory event before his boner life force fades forever. A dove flies off into the sky, is this his penis’ soul ascending to heaven?

New and reborn, Dickhard realises that, while it was an interesting experimentation, he indeed loves Ray Bombshell. He goes back to his apartment where she is, they change clothes and hairstyles and go on the run.

 

3 Tricks to Remind yourself of Someone’s Name that you’ve Forgotten!

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Have you ever been in that situation where you are at some social function or on the street and you run into someone whose name you should know? You rack your brain but to no avail! No more need to worry about that, just read these 3 simple tips and you will never have this problem again.

1. The Ron White Method

The first method is to analyse the person’s face, we remember them as caricatures, where one elongates and exaggerates the facial features. Look out for any facial features that might help trigger that memory. This can be emboldened with an added mnemonic device that you can use for remembering names. For example if the person has bangs, you could connect “Bangs-fangs-Dracula-Scott Bakula-Count Chocula-Rount Marthula”.

2. The Handy Suggestion

Your mobile is a good way to decipher what the person’s name is in a pinch. Make a handy excuse to go to the bathroom, whilst there, open up your phone.  At that point you can use your access to contact a black ops cell and begin a covert operation. You direct the team to surreptitiously kidnap your friend and temporarily blind them with bleach so that you cannot be identified. Once at the site you can undergo micro-surgery to alter your voice whilst you interrogate them. To avoid detection, ask a series of misleading questions while the torture ensues. Possible torture methods include: Waterboarding, Chinese water torture, excessive water picking and putting their hand in warm water as they sleep to the effect of making them go pee-pee in their pantaloons. Once they are at their weakest and most confused you can convince them that their name is Dave, an easy name to remember. After several months of conditioning they can be released back into society and when you see them again you can call them by their rightful name. Dave.

3. The Scramble Bramble

Just ask them! You might have some egg on your face, but they will only have a lower estimation of you and your social skills, all whilst harbouring a deep, burning resentment towards you when you inevitably meet at social functions, then just talk badly to others so that they are poisoned towards you indefinitely.

Happy rememberinging!

Jerimiah Kingley, Camp Firewood

You’ve Heard of Rikibuhku and Yarvitining, but Could Toleoling be the New Thing to Keep you Fully Flurmed?

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Move over fads of yesterday on how to flurm your Greuty! Toloeling is the new thing Crispin Glover, Danny Glover and Sasha Grey are doing to have that full sweet flurm when walking the red carpet. Rikibuhku was trending all last summer  but people were not aware of the long term Ghigryaniva effects.

Now that we know more and the progression of organic Toloel technology we now have a way to not only feel good about ourselves, but woman-945815_1280-e1506203710698.jpgto also be at one with the state of affairs in the nation. Toloeling was first popularised by Youtuber Salacious Krump on her page Yolo for Toloeling. The way it works is that the flurm is fully haghmutised when the Toloel is injected right into the friyzkler in the lower greuty. You leave it for about 10 minutes, scrape off the residue and you are done. It’s as easy as that!

Salacious Krump, Los Feliz

10 Simple Life Hacks to Make you Look Cool! (VOL.1)

1. Disagree with everything other people say. Being a contrarian is always cool, “No it isn’t!” See, easy as punch.
2. When in a public space yell your opinions really loudly, definitely over the music. The more people that hear your awesome thoughts and opinions, the more cool you will be.
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3. When you see someone you know, point and wink. For more advanced Cool-ers, use 2 fingers and do a gun like motion and go, “Bang Bang”.
4. Don’t look both ways before crossing, safety is for losers.
5. Break down the types of shots and techniques used in any T.V. show or movie you’re watching.
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6. Speak gregariously about plans that you intend to make, the less feasible the better. Don’t worry about doing any of these things, just keep making more to keep those around you distracted.
7.  Point out spelling and grammatical errors  in other people’s social media posts. This will be appreciated and hence they will think you are cool.
8. Impress others by saying that you did everything they did but better. Whether this is true or not doesn’t matter, no one will notice.
9.Don’t finish things, this will leave them wanting-
Sharpe Wolfington III, New York