3 Tricks to Remind yourself of Someone’s Name that you’ve Forgotten!

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Have you ever been in that situation where you are at some social function or on the street and you run into someone whose name you should know? You rack your brain but to no avail! No more need to worry about that, just read these 3 simple tips and you will never have this problem again.

1. The Ron White Method

The first method is to analyse the person’s face, we remember them as caricatures, where one elongates and exaggerates the facial features. Look out for any facial features that might help trigger that memory. This can be emboldened with an added mnemonic device that you can use for remembering names. For example if the person has bangs, you could connect “Bangs-fangs-Dracula-Scott Bakula-Count Chocula-Rount Marthula”.

2. The Handy Suggestion

Your mobile is a good way to decipher what the person’s name is in a pinch. Make a handy excuse to go to the bathroom, whilst there, open up your phone.  At that point you can use your access to contact a black ops cell and begin a covert operation. You direct the team to surreptitiously kidnap your friend and temporarily blind them with bleach so that you cannot be identified. Once at the site you can undergo micro-surgery to alter your voice whilst you interrogate them. To avoid detection, ask a series of misleading questions while the torture ensues. Possible torture methods include: Waterboarding, Chinese water torture, excessive water picking and putting their hand in warm water as they sleep to the effect of making them go pee-pee in their pantaloons. Once they are at their weakest and most confused you can convince them that their name is Dave, an easy name to remember. After several months of conditioning they can be released back into society and when you see them again you can call them by their rightful name. Dave.

3. The Scramble Bramble

Just ask them! You might have some egg on your face, but they will only have a lower estimation of you and your social skills, all whilst harbouring a deep, burning resentment towards you when you inevitably meet at social functions, then just talk badly to others so that they are poisoned towards you indefinitely.

Happy rememberinging!

Jerimiah Kingley, Camp Firewood

You’ve Heard of Rikibuhku and Yarvitining, but Could Toleoling be the New Thing to Keep you Fully Flurmed?

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Move over fads of yesterday on how to flurm your Greuty! Toloeling is the new thing Crispin Glover, Danny Glover and Sasha Grey are doing to have that full sweet flurm when walking the red carpet. Rikibuhku was trending all last summer  but people were not aware of the long term Ghigryaniva effects.

Now that we know more and the progression of organic Toloel technology we now have a way to not only feel good about ourselves, but woman-945815_1280-e1506203710698.jpgto also be at one with the state of affairs in the nation. Toloeling was first popularised by Youtuber Salacious Krump on her page Yolo for Toloeling. The way it works is that the flurm is fully haghmutised when the Toloel is injected right into the friyzkler in the lower greuty. You leave it for about 10 minutes, scrape off the residue and you are done. It’s as easy as that!

Salacious Krump, Los Feliz

10 Simple Life Hacks to Make you Look Cool! (VOL.1)

1. Disagree with everything other people say. Being a contrarian is always cool, “No it isn’t!” See, easy as punch.
2. When in a public space yell your opinions really loudly, definitely over the music. The more people that hear your awesome thoughts and opinions, the more cool you will be.
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3. When you see someone you know, point and wink. For more advanced Cool-ers, use 2 fingers and do a gun like motion and go, “Bang Bang”.
4. Don’t look both ways before crossing, safety is for losers.
5. Break down the types of shots and techniques used in any T.V. show or movie you’re watching.
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6. Speak gregariously about plans that you intend to make, the less feasible the better. Don’t worry about doing any of these things, just keep making more to keep those around you distracted.
7.  Point out spelling and grammatical errors  in other people’s social media posts. This will be appreciated and hence they will think you are cool.
8. Impress others by saying that you did everything they did but better. Whether this is true or not doesn’t matter, no one will notice.
9.Don’t finish things, this will leave them wanting-
Sharpe Wolfington III, New York

You wont believe what Frankie Muniz looks like today!

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Star of 90’s groundbreaking sitcom ‘Malcolm in the Middle’, Frankie Muniz, has been planning a return to the silver screen with WWI musical ‘Tango Foxtrot, Over’ from Trapdoor Studios. He has also booked a slew of television interviews and appearances including a turn on ‘Dancing with the Stars’ and a guest starring role in the TV adaptation of ‘Seven’.

It has been many years since Muniz has been in the spotlight and his look certainly has changed.

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Apparently working out, a strict regiment of rhubarb smoothies, potassium superoxide and a high protein diet has led to his complete transformation.

Scientists Confirm that Babies are Actually Tiny Ungrateful Drunks

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“Goo-goo”, “Ga-ga” and other such nonsense words depart from the mouths of babies on a  regular basis. Met usually by the equally awful adult mouth noises of “Coochie-coo” and “Baba-bababa” in response. Well this trivial game of half-wits may actually have a more sinister underbelly. Scientists at the Halford Institute of Developmental Studies in Nevada have been studying babies for the past 37 years and have finally discovered that babies are in fact diminutive bullies whose only goal is to get more drunk.

The signs have been there for many years, the stumbling walk, the constant mood swings, random bouts of violence and all that terrible singing. For years they have been hiding their social disease behind a veil of cuteness. The parents are usually ‘Stockholm Syndrome’ like enablers for their maniacal machinations.

Their main source of this alcohol is from breast milk from forcefully inebriated wet nurses and what on the street is called “formula”, a powdered version of a White Russian cocktail.

These tiny alcoholics speak in a kind of gibberish code; “Goo-goo” roughly translates to “Mine’s a pint”, whilst “ga-ga” literally means “You’re tearing me apart, now go get me a snack you tired looking bitch.”

Their abuse is boundless, should their provider not bring them enough alcohol, they will paint on the walls or just destroy pieces of furniture to show who really is boss. Other ways of keeping their victims in check include, pretending not to understand what you are telling them, banging on things to make loud noises and defecating in strategic areas of the house.

The scientists at the Halford Institute have confirmed that this is an innately learned behavioural pattern and thus is difficult to deprogram.  They are agreed however that this endemic problem must stop and a cure for the crippling syndrome is currently under development.

Alexander Situ, Nevada