It was revealed earlier this week that Putin does not want to read Hilary Clinton’s memoirs What Happened. They have followed up with a *leaked* list of the top ten things Vladimir Putin does not want to do this week.
10. Start a hackysack league with his old Kossack pals.
9. Eat that last piece of cheesecake but knows for sure he will.
8. Stop telling himself that he is worth it.
7. Free homosexual prisoners, for fear that the energy in Russia would become too “fierce”.
6. Fire that orphan boy he adopted from the streets for his inefficient use of the Force.
5. Ever forget that night he spent hanging out with One Direction. #Bros4Life
4. Put on a shirt. His psoriasis flares up from chemical agents in the detergent.
3. Stop saving the world, one rigged election at a time.
2. Be bigger than Hip-Hop. Nothing is bigger than Hip-Hop! (Any 90’s kids in here?)
1. Let anyone else finish a goddamn senten-
Ken Kaba, Moscow