“Goo-goo”, “Ga-ga” and other such nonsense words depart from the mouths of babies on a regular basis. Met usually by the equally awful adult mouth noises of “Coochie-coo” and “Baba-bababa” in response. Well this trivial game of half-wits may actually have a more sinister underbelly. Scientists at the Halford Institute of Developmental Studies in Nevada have been studying babies for the past 37 years and have finally discovered that babies are in fact diminutive bullies whose only goal is to get more drunk.
The signs have been there for many years, the stumbling walk, the constant mood swings, random bouts of violence and all that terrible singing. For years they have been hiding their social disease behind a veil of cuteness. The parents are usually ‘Stockholm Syndrome’ like enablers for their maniacal machinations.
Their main source of this alcohol is from breast milk from forcefully inebriated wet nurses and what on the street is called “formula”, a powdered version of a White Russian cocktail.
These tiny alcoholics speak in a kind of gibberish code; “Goo-goo” roughly translates to “Mine’s a pint”, whilst “ga-ga” literally means “You’re tearing me apart, now go get me a snack you tired looking bitch.”
Their abuse is boundless, should their provider not bring them enough alcohol, they will paint on the walls or just destroy pieces of furniture to show who really is boss. Other ways of keeping their victims in check include, pretending not to understand what you are telling them, banging on things to make loud noises and defecating in strategic areas of the house.
The scientists at the Halford Institute have confirmed that this is an innately learned behavioural pattern and thus is difficult to deprogram. They are agreed however that this endemic problem must stop and a cure for the crippling syndrome is currently under development.
Alexander Situ, Nevada
It was revealed earlier this week that Putin does not want to read Hilary Clinton’s memoirs What Happened. They have followed up with a *leaked* list of the top ten things Vladimir Putin does not want to do this week.
10. Start a hackysack league with his old Kossack pals.
9. Eat that last piece of cheesecake but knows for sure he will.
8. Stop telling himself that he is worth it.
7. Free homosexual prisoners, for fear that the energy in Russia would become too “fierce”.
6. Fire that orphan boy he adopted from the streets for his inefficient use of the Force.
5. Ever forget that night he spent hanging out with One Direction. #Bros4Life
4. Put on a shirt. His psoriasis flares up from chemical agents in the detergent.
3. Stop saving the world, one rigged election at a time.
2. Be bigger than Hip-Hop. Nothing is bigger than Hip-Hop! (Any 90’s kids in here?)
1. Let anyone else finish a goddamn senten-
Ken Kaba, Moscow